A New Beginning

The snow flies

2010-05-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

"It can snow in Idaho at any moment." My mom used to say that to me when I'd come up to visit her. In Logan it would be bright, cheery, and definitely spring. But here it would be bright, cheery, then bump inches of snow in a couple hours. So, this morning, when it started to snow, I called my mom to let her know it can snow in Idaho at any moment.

But James just left. That always puts a damper on my mood. I was afraid, when he put in for the transfer, that we'd still be living this way when we got married. Now we have 35 days until the wedding and we are still living this way. Chances aren't just likely anymore. I think there's a good chance we will be living this way until I graduate and we move away. But, we do it. We've accepted it, and we just live it. We make the best out of the time we have together, we text all day when we are separated, and James still tucks me in at night. That all makes it very doable. And it's because we are willing to work on it. We are willing to put in the time needed to keep our relationship alive and thriving. I still miss him like an ache some days. But I know I'll see him in just a few more days. Sigh.

School is over now, has been for two weeks. And I am loving life. I go into work everyday. But only for a couple hours or so. Stuff is getting done, experiments designed, crystals growing, so everything's good there. And I should get a lot of research done so the semesters will be less busy. It's quiet a nice set up. This gives me time to do other stuff. I've been cooking fresh meals nearly daily, and sometimes twice daily. I've been going on long, killer hikes. And I've been enjoying my down time.

For our wedding party sort of thing Rufus suggested we go on a camping trip. We've been discussing and have thought about Edward, Heather, Joe, Rufus, James, and myself (possibly a few others) doing "the loop". I guess there is a hike near Fairfield that the boys love that they'd like all of us to do. It's 25 miles. And I'd have a 25-30 lbs pack. Yikes. Thus the killer hikes.

And now with James gone I'm trying to be motivated to do stuff around here. Dishes, cleaning, vacuuming.... But I'm lazy. I'm not going to lie.

Spring has sprung

2010-04-24T18:03:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the office, watching the shadows get longer. I'm not going to lie, I'm waiting for it to be late enough to justify going to sleep. I was up later than usual last night, but got up this morning early anyway. Nevermind Chester getting all pissed off at 3:30am. Sigh. And I'm so happy this is my life. No drama, no stress.

Classes are almost done for the semester. 11 days from today. Yey! So, now I just work on what's right in front of me, get it done the best I can, and move on. Once school is over I'll start working in the lab as much as I can, and working on getting the rest of the wedding planned and put together.

As far as I can tell the wedding is coming together nicely. Invitations are out, which was a huge thing for me. And RSVPs are coming back, which is fun. One of my best friends is going to be doing the pictures, she just recently discovered her eye for photography, and I love it. It will also be so nice to have someone I know, love, and trust doing it. She knows me better than most people, so I'm sure she'll get some amazing shots.

Now if I can just talk my mom into not being a crazy person! But I think that's just par for the course, and, in all honesty, she's light years better than some people I know.

I'm pretty luck. And so excited. 2 months and 2 days!

Waiting. And sitting

2010-03-06T08:45:00.001-08:00

I'm waiting for either Kristi to text me back or for my socks to dry, ultimately for my socks to dry.

I'm about to go for a run in the morning sunshine, but as I've been up for 3 hours now I feel like it doesn't quite count as the morning anymore, though it's only quarter to ten right now. I signed up for my second fun run, or rather, I have the registration form here on my desk, waiting for a $20 check. The two things that make me a little nervous, though my excitement is far out weighing my fear, is 1) it's a week from today, and 2) I haven't run since the last 5k in December.

That's not 100% accurate, but for all intents and purposes it's true. I've "run" twice since then. I trained one day, trying to up my pace. So I ran a lap and walked a lap for half an hour. Then yesterday I walked for 5 minutes, ran for 10 minutes, walked for 3 minutes, ran for 10 minutes, then walked for 5 minutes. It felt good. Today it's walk for 5 minutes, run for 20 minutes, walk for 5 minutes. Tomorrow will be the same 5 minute warm up/cool down with a 25 minute run in the middle. Monday will be 28 minute run. Then, Wednesday I'll be running for 30 minutes, and I'll be running on the treadmill so I'll know my pace, too. I'm hoping to be able to better my pace from the last one, do it in under 33 minutes. But really, since it's such short notice, I'll be super proud if I run the whole thing. Yey.

Things I'm hoping are in my favor this time around is that I'm about 10 lbs lighter than last time, and I've been really seriously working out. At least twice a week. So, I'm lighter and fitter than last time. Also, last time it was 9 degrees outside, this time it will be in the 30s most likely, and it was icy as all hell last time, this time? No snow to speak of. I realize that in a week things could change, but it probably can't be worse than last time... shrug. So I'm good.

And I'm excited.

And I'm waiting. Waiting for Kristi, because I'm trying to talk her into doing it with me, so I have her forms, too. And I'd like her to do with me today, since it will be a short run, and she's never run outside before. She needs to see how it feels before race day. So I think.... And I'm waiting for my socks because my running socks are still in the dryer.

Maybe I'll check those now...

2010-02-21T16:50:00.000-08:00

Death Cab For Cutie ~ Styrofoam Plates

There's a saltwater film on the jar of your ashes; I threw them to the sea,
but a gust blew them backwards and the sting in my eyes
that you then inflicted was par for the course just as when you were living.
It's no stretch to say you were not quite a father
but the donor of seeds to a poor, single mother that would raise us alone.
We never saw the money that went down your throat
through the hole in your belly.

Thirteen years old in the suburbs of Denver,
standing in line for Thanksgiving dinner at the Catholic church.
The servers wore crosses to shield from the sufferance plaguing the others.
Styrofoam plates, cafeteria tables,
charity reeks of cheap wine and pity and I'm thinking of you,
I do every year when we count all our blessings
and wonder what we're doing here.

You're a disgrace to the concept of family.
The priest won't divulge that fact in his homily
and I'll stand up and scream if the mourning remain quiet,
you can deck out a lie in a suit.
But I won't buy it.
I won't join the procession that's speaking their piece,
using five dollar words while praising his integrity.
Just 'cause he's gone, it doesn't change that fact:
he was bastard in life, thus a bastard in death yeah.

Mine isn't dead. Mine is still alive and living that new life with his new family. After having abandoned me as a child. After my having begged, pleaded, yelled, cried, and crawled to have him in my life. He still chose to not be there. I want to say those exact words to him. If he didn't have that new family (for ~30 years now) there is no way I would take care of his ashes for him. The crematorium could have them. I hate him.

I don't, ordinarily, don't waist a lot of time on hate. But I think in this case..... I think, now, how my life would be different had he been there. It doesn't matter. We got along fine without him. What I needed from him is to NOT have to be on WELFARE because he NEVER PAID HIS CHILD SUPPORT. I hate him.

When I went through my sobriety I went through hell. He got a few panicked calls from me. I needed someone. I needed love, I needed support. I got a call from his wife, "You can't call him when you are having a bad time, it upsets him." If he didn't want to be there for the bad he sure as hell doesn't get to be there for the good.

I really do hate him. I shouldn't have had to, in the 7th grade, write to him to remind him I existed. It had been so long since I'd heard from him that I wrote. I begged him to see me, that I was here, that I needed his presence in my life. I never asked for money from him. I showed him my last name was Murphy, I was still his daughter.

That name is the only thing I got from him. And I'm ready, now, to give it back. I'm embracing my new last name for many reasons, but it's going to be nice to cut that tie.

I fear someone in his family is going to take pity on him and invite him to the wedding. I. Will. Lose. It.

I hate him. And I think I'm ready to tell him so.

I want to be ready to just let go. To move on from him, the pain he caused me, the feelings of inadequacy he left behind. I don't want to cry anymore tears for him.

I will not be going to his funeral.

Yawn

2010-01-25T09:12:00.000-08:00

Such a weekend. I'm exhausted. I'm used to being terribly mellow. Not doing much beyond being active while the sun is up, then knitting and watching TV once the sun goes to bed. Relaxing. But this weekend found my dancing my bottom off at the Clumsy Lovers on Friday, and having the best time, then going to Twin to help James pack so he wouldn't be so stressed. All that ended up doing for me was making it so I didn't relax nearly enough. I could use at least 4 more hours of sleep today. Which means I need to go to bed early this week.

When did I get old?

And do I care?

I'm completely okay being a home body and going out very infrequently.

The one thing that may be an issue for me today is that I did NO studying, and it sounds like next week starts exams. I have to get a lot done this week and weekend. And I'll probably get SOME done. I'm a little lazy. And it's a lot sad.

Waiting for bedtime

2010-01-14T16:03:00.001-08:00

Today was the most wonderfully dreary day as I walked to school. That's right, I'm walking. It takes me about 30 minutes, but I'm proud I'm not driving so much. So anyway, walking to school. It must have rained last night, the streets were slippery, tried to take me down, never actually succeeded. It was a lovely day to wander about. My first class is early, however, so not much wandering time at 7:30. I'm hoping this weekend can do the same thing, I'm looking for some wandering time. I had a long short day. Just one learning class, followed by two PE classes. To sum up, I walked 30 minutes(ish) to school (1.8 miles), class, gym to change, 15 minute warm up on the elliptical, 10 minutes of stretching, 40 minutes of weight lifting (legs), 20 minutes on the treadmill, 45 minutes of kickboxing, shower, then.... oh yes, the walk home. I hadn't had enough to eat, so by the time I stumbled on to my front porch I was dying just a little bit. But by then the clouds had broken, the sun was shining. I got the biggest apple and sat on my front porch with Maggie, in the sun and quiet. Perfect. And then I couldn't get up. Stupid workout. I came in, had actual food, watched some Hulu, bank, grocery shopping, and now I sit. Watching the sky slowly darken and the clouds turn pink. It was a good day. I am tired and am trying to decide how early is "too" early to go to bed. Shrug.

I hope yours was a delight.

Woo, that made me cry. Again.

2009-11-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

Sigh.... The Biggest Loser makes me cry. Nearly every week I end up bawling like a little girl. But it's so good. Really it can be crap TV at the best of times, but it's my guilty pleasure, and I love it.

I watch online, so I'm a week behind. This week the woman that lost her husband, 5 year old daughter, and infant son in a car accident went home. I don't have much to say about her. Her story will effect everyone differently. There was one thing she said though.

Today is your second chance. It is your chance to make different decisions. A chance to change your life.

Sometimes you have to be slapped in the face, picked up and thrown out of your rut, so really see what is happening around you.

I am miserable at school right now. It is HARD. But something that has escaped my notice is I am doing better than I ever could have. And I am not giving up. And that is huge.

I took that chance 4 years ago. It has been an up hill battle, but it gets easier everyday. I have challenges, huge ones, but they are different and better than the ones I've faced in the past. I can get overwhelmed and saddened by my life. Everyone can and does, however, I wouldn't trade it in. It's better than ever, and great things are coming.

Thank you.

Sigh....

2009-08-09T10:51:00.001-07:00

It's getting to be that time of year again. When summer break is almost over and I have no choice but to get my shit together. The thing that's making it even less fun this time is this: I'm moving. Alone. James has to stay here for work for an indeterminate amount of time. He put in for his transfer months ago, and still no word. He told me once about someone that put in for a transfer that waited a year and a half. I have real fear that I will still be living in Pokey and he will still be living here when we get married. I told him today that I'm getting sad about the move, he said anything could happen, that at any moment they could tell him it's come through. While I believe that, it's not making me any happier.

We've lived together for 14 months now. I've gotten used to having him around. Coming home at night and kissing me, waking me up in the morning with kisses. Wandering in from working outside to see what I'm up to. Spending idle mornings, doing nothing, together. I'm going to miss him painfully.

I haven't started packing yet. It doesn't really feel real yet, like plans could change at any moment. I know the move is set, so I might as well start getting together what I need to be comfortable and survive. Really, it's time.

I'm going to California on Thursday to visit Sunny and do some wedding dress shopping. It should be a good time, and I'm hoping to not get sick this time. We'll see.

2009-06-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

It's been such a long time since I've updated that I've been pushing it off longer and longer because so much has happened and I was feeling overwhelmed. It's been a long spring/summer.

Last semester ended on an up note. I got an A in Chemistry and a B in Cell Biology. It was a rough semester and I worked my bottom off for those grades, so, in the end, it was worth it. Now I am in summer school. Chemistry 112, it meets 4 days a week from 12-5. Yikes! It's been two weeks and we had our first exam, a 3 hour exam. Holy. I mean, I'm just exhausted today. Not to mention I'm battling a cold for th

e last 2 and a half weeks. It's not as much fun for

me as one might think.

So, I started with school because that was the first thing that happened. Around our one year anniversary James told me we couldn't spend a lot of money on that trip because he was planning a secret, big trip. About a week before we left he told me where it would be.

Ireland!

Oh. It was amazing! Perfect. Everything I'd always hoped it would be. Except, evidenced by this photo, there was no clouds! No rain. Nothing. I got a sunburn, and a cold. Sigh. But it was just amazing. I don't know if I've ever been as happy or content as I was, sitting on the rock beach at Fanore, watching the tide come in. It was wonderful.

Dublin was the same as any big city. Busy and hot. It was fun to see it all, but I was ready to be in the country when we left Dublin. The drive across the country was crazy and exhilarating. Our time in Fanore though. James got sick and spent the better part of two days in bed while I walked around the little village and sat at the ocean. I've never been able to sit that long in one spot before. It was something about the ocean. It's mesmerizing. Always something to look at and pay attention to. We left a day early, which ended up with us in Fanore for an extra day, but missed out on Cork. It's okay. James wants to try to make it a yearly trip. While I have my doubts it will be yearly, I'm excited there is another trip to come. I thought it would be a once in a life time trip, but maybe it will be more.

The day we drove across the country was the day James got sick. The poor guy. So we got to town, checked in to the B&B, James took a quick nap while I sat outside, listening to music and petting the house dog. It was so nice. James got up around 8 and we wandered down to the pub for dinner. Which was AMAZING! Fresh muscles and open crab sandwiches. (Two separate dishes.) We then went to the water to watch the sunset. We wandered on the cliffs (not big ones, just enough that it was rugged and beautiful), finding rocks and seashells. We hugged and kissed, held hands, talked and walked. It was perfect. Then we went back to the room and laid in bed talking for a couple hours. As I started to fall asleep James tricked me out of bed to get something from my bag. When I turned around he was standing there with the ring and asked if I would be his wife. It couldn't have been more perfect.

So that is essentially it. Now it's down to life. Buying houses and properties, planning a wedding, moving, school, work..... sigh. It's good, though. It's nothing less than exactly what I wanted. I'm happy.

Memorial day is early.

2009-05-25T17:34:00.000-07:00

Sigh. It's been a long spring, and aside from some exciting, happy moments, it's going to be a long summer. James was saying that he can't wait for it to be over, and he's never wanted summer to be over before. I completely agree. We have a lot going on.

I have summer school that starts in two week. It's a 7 week Chemistry 112 class. It's going to be 5 hours of class 4 days a week. A chapter every couple days. It's going to be ROUGH. I have to do well because it's the foundation I need to build my future upon. I'm having my doubts, but it's something that has to happen.

James put in for his transfer a bit ago, so we are just waiting to hear back when he'll move. It could be anytime from two weeks from now to more than a year from now. I hate not knowing. But since we know we are moving in August regardless of when the transfer comes we've started looking for a house in Pocatello. It's fun, but frustrating. And we can see the money wandering out of our hands. Also, we can't put in an offer until the middle of next month.

James bought a duplex in Pocatello for an investment. He's excited about it, but he's also worried, trying to get all the stuff together, stressed about the closing.

Since we are moving to Pocatello we need to get this place ready to rent out, so we have a whole laundry list of things to get done. Mainly replacing blinds, cleaning the existing blinds, flooring, painting, kitchen cupboards, paint doors, new shutters.... etc. But we don't have a lot of time to accomplish this. Sigh.

That was nicely book ended. The good things are, obviously, buying OUR first house! And... We are going to Ireland on thursday!

I've wanted to go to Ireland so badly and for so long that I can't believe it's happening for me. It's truly a dream come true. I can't believe I'm so lucky. James has been planning this for a while now, he was going to keep it a secret until a few days before the trip, still not tell me where, just tell me to pack..... But he decided to tell me, though, because he knows that I've wanted to go for so long that he wanted my input of where to go.

So we leave here Thursday at 5:45 am, arrive in Dublin around 8:00 am on Friday the 28th (Oh, Thursday is my birthday, we will spend all day traveling, but to a happy place.). We will stay in Dublin until the 31st, then off to the Galway coast, Connemara, The Cliffs of Moher, and our bed and breakfast on the ocean (a working farm even), then on the 2nd we head to Cork, Cobh, and our OLD hotel with a freaken waterfall in the courtyard. Oh my. Then on the 4th we head back to Dublin to stay once more night, then home on the 5th. Perfect. And I can't wait. And I'm all packed.

I realize being packed is crazy, really I just wanted to make sure I could fit everything and not forget something important, so it can sit there for the next two days and if I think of anything I over looked I can add it. It's a good plan. Yeah, now that I can stare at my packed suitcase.... I'm so freaken excited!!!

And. James said he would propose before June. He hasn't yet, and we will be in Ireland on June first..... Um, could it be true? Could he really propose in Ireland?!?

Random Thursday

2009-03-19T16:40:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of my spring break. Home from California (pictures and a summary my follow.... we'll see) and hanging out on the couch. James and I got a good hike in today. It was short but sweet and my arms and face got some much needed vit D.

......?

2009-02-01T18:07:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a bit blue today. I don't feel as sad as I've fought with in the past, but it still bothers me when I do.

I've stopped planning the wedding and stuff, it just doesn't feel right and I was driving myself crazy getting excited and worked up over it. Guessing when he'd ask. So I've back burnered it. James said he's going to ask me soon, but every holiday that passes I get nearly anxious over it. So instead of turning in circles I'm just relaxing.

This is not why I'm blue today, I'm blue today because I ate too many hotdogs and cupcakes and I have a stomach ache. I'm blue today because I didn't do any cleaning or studying. I'm blue today because I didn't get enough sleep last night so I'm cranky.

But things are good. School is going well, except for the perpetual feeling of being behind. The bathroom is almost done (I know, I know, I say that all the time, but this time it's true. The sink is going in tonight, I hope. All the wainscotting is up, now just trim, baseboard, painting that and hanging up the mirror, shower rake, etc.) And the weather's been nice. It's not spring yet, so I'm expecting winter, part deux, but it can't last for much longer.

Life's good. I'm just bored.

Some burning questions.

2009-01-27T17:38:00.000-08:00

I think smoking is disgusting. It stinks, it dries your skin, it's expensive. So why do people do it? That's the first of my questions. I used to hang out in bars a lot, though I never smoked. I always had to shower and wash my clothes. While I realize being in a bar and smoking outside a bar are two different things, but still. I am a tutor and have helped some people that just stink. Even the really clean ones, you know, they shower, do laundry, suck on breath mints, but that smell just comes out. Normally it smells like the back of their throat. Yuck.

Another thing I can't understand is smoking in the house. Then, after a time, it's like you are living in the bar. I've been to chain-smokers-in-the-house's house before. You can see the nicotine stains high on the walls and across the ceiling. It's gross. And EVERYTHING stinks, no matter how clean your house is.

Cigarettes can make me a little sick these days, too. It dries out my nose, I am more prone to asthma attacks, etc. This is where my anger comes in.

My downstairs neighbor keeps smoking in the house. She quit for a week, and was gone for a week, then today she came home. I got home from school and that's all I could smell. It just sends me into a rage. James owns the house, therefore is her landlord. He's talked to her twice and I've talked to her once. How she thinks she's getting away with this is beyond me. She should have been evicted the first time she did it. And I'm not letting James give her her deposit back, she broke her lease the first time she smoked. We let her know we were getting new furniture (In the thought she'd realize if she ruined it she's buying us new stuff) and I'm asthmatic. She's still doing it. I get so angry I could just spit. She's lucky I haven't gone down there and completely yell at her. But oh, it's coming.

James is going to talk to a lawyer friend of his (who also rents apartments) to figure out what is the best course of action. I have to leave here in 15 minutes, but before I do that I'm going downstairs to sniff around the door that adjoins our part of the basement to her apartment. If I smell smoke I'm going down there. And I'm yelling.

Most of what makes me so angry is that she's breaking the lease, but the brunt of it is that she a)thinks so little of us, and b)thinks we are so stupid that we wouldn't notice. I'm done being walked on by this woman. There is a line where being an asset because you pay your rent on time and being a burden because you are impossible to live above meet. Well, she's crossed it.

Memories

2009-01-07T16:40:00.000-08:00

My life in Pocatello and at ISU seems so distant to me now. I know I'll be back there, and soon, but I can't picture it anymore. I'm not that girl anymore, so when I try to put myself back in my own shoes, it doesn't happen. I still don't want to go back, neither to Pokey nor to ISU, but it's the lesser of evils and in then end, I'm not going back to that life.

I was just so miserable there, it took time and space to see it. But now I do and I want to avoid it.

But it's life now. And it's good. And I have 5 months, so get over it.

Happy New Year, and all the trimmings.

2009-01-04T13:06:00.000-08:00

New Years Eve was pleasant, albeit uneventful. I'm sorry, I couldn't think of a better word than uneventful. I felt like going somewhere and doing something, but we stayed home, and it was nice. We got into bed at about 11:45 and watched the ball drop, told each other happy new year, kissed, and held hands as we watched something else for a bit. It was really nice to start the new year with love and a full heart. It was good.

We haven't done a whole lot since, well, that's a bit of a lie. We went to Fairfield to see the rest of the family missed at Christmas because of health and weather. Herb took us on a drive to Solder mountain so I could see it, it's really pretty. The guy is strange. I can never tell if he likes me, but when he was taking Jim to their land to view the house plan he invited me then James, then when he was going to pick up Kate and Alex at the mountain he asked if I wanted to go for a ride. We talked about Scifi movies and books. I need to brush up.

We got to hang out with Jim, he gave us gift certificates for christmas and he signed my card "Dad", it warmed my wee little heart. I love him. The only problem was we got to the cabin after dark, so it was freezing out (literally 3 degrees) and he had a fire going. I sat next to the fire and my brain shut off. Kate and Herb came with the boys shortly after and both boys sat with me in the recliner, so it was warm and snuggly. It was tough, I tell you.

Now today I'm cleaning and rearranging the house. It's fun because I feel homey.... I enjoy the feeling of belonging.

I've been feeling the stress of planning a wedding and am trying to separate trying to placate people from what we want. In the end it's our day, so I need to be kind, hear what other people are saying, think about how I would feel about it, talk about it with James, then make a decision. Not just go with something because everyone else thinks it's better.... Sigh. There are a lot of imposing personalities present. Too bad James and I are so low key. But I think in the end we can rise above....

Anyway, that's that for a moment. I think I had another direction to go with this today but am distracted by sun and TV so I'm going to wander off.....

Perhaps some pictures of intrest

2008-12-30T14:59:00.000-08:00

I'm bored, and lonely. Not in that sense, I just finally have some energy and want to go play, but not necessarily by myself. But then I'm lazy on top of it. So I'm playing online. Sigh.

So here are some pictures if you are bored. I'm attempting to look at wedding dresses but mostly getting annoyed with Allures website, it keeps crashing, which is making my search difficult. Also, one of the bridal shops has a "catalog" that some how they don't have on the web site. They have the links to the other dress sites that their numbers don't match up to. I think I was able to find the designers of the 4 dresses I liked and wanted to view some more, but since I don't have the number of the dress I'm just searching their entire website. It's going to be a long night.

I guess that's fine, since I don't plan on doing much else today. I'm useless today. Let's face it.

So here they are, pictures from our respective past, collective pasts, and then simply moments of life.

I've had some fun. I hope this will show you some of it.

I hope Christmas was good to you, the holidays are merry, and this new year brings all the joy and wonder of a perfect memory.

Edit: Okay, after seeing the post by itself and it turns out there are a lot of pictures all in a line and no words, so I'm going to write some more. But as I've just written another whole blog I'm running out of words. Luckily there's nothing on tv so I'm watching as dumb wedding planning show, ergo I'm thinking about our wedding.

I so want to get engaged. Yikes, I sound like a crazy person.

I've never been marriage material. Okay, maybe I've been that, but I always thought I didn't care if I did get married. I guess I've never been in love like this. I thought I had been in love, but I was always waiting for those relationships to end, they were just running their course in a sense.... But marrying those men was never in my head. And one time it was in my head it was never on stable ground so I didn't focus on it. Ever. Now suddenly I have this amazing man in my life that I can trust with anything and everything. That I can't wait to marry. I was going to say "that I can't wait to marry and start a life with" but we've already started a life together and are taking more steps in new beginnings together.

We've lived together for 8 months now, and this spring we are buying a house and moving to Pokey. I moved from there to here 8 months ago, so I'll be moving back, but this is a huge step for James. He moved from Fairfield to Twin 10ish years ago. So he's lived in about 2 towns. It's such an amazing thing that he isn't just willing to do this but is eager. He just wants to be with me, where ever it is.

But we aren't actually engaged yet. Damn. We've talked about it for months now, and have told our friends and family about it. We've decided to do a save the date card (his idea), we've picked a place (I wanted outdoors in the mountains, he chose the sawtooths), I started looking at invitations (he picked the style), we took our save the date pictures..... But if I bring up the rings he smiles quietly and changes the subject. Then I found the ones we had looked at for cheaper and asked if he wanted to go look at it, he said we didn't need to. So I finally just asked. He said it's soon. I don't know what that means. Sigh.

I'm getting excited, but am trying not to actually think about it. I don't know. I can't try to figure out what he's thinking and planning.....

Well, I think this'll work. Besides, I have other stuff I need to be doing.

Big, fluffy flakes.

2008-12-16T14:16:00.000-08:00

Finals are almost over. Not a moment too soon. Though my last one isn't actually until tomorrow, and what am I not doing right now? Studying for my calculus final I have tomorrow. If I were to study for the rest of the day I'm fairly certain I'd get a decent grade and not have to fear about my finaid. But I guess I'll go ahead and finish watching NCIS. Sigh. I'm such a bad student some days.

Whimper

2008-12-14T16:51:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure it's exactly whimper worthy. But I am definitely feeling it. I have four more days and finals are over and I have a month off. I'm not sure I'll make it through, for one. The stress is really getting to me this semester. I'm not used to working this hard and only getting C. It's like these professors are ashamed they work at a junior college so they are making the classes almost impossibly hard. I'd like to take the time to explain the ratio of knowledge taught to knowledge tested on, but I have other things to do. Which brings me to my "for another". Since I'm feeling like no matter how hard I work this semester I'm only going to get a C I've given up. I can't bring myself to study. It's bad logic, and I'll admit it, but I'm exhausted.

That being said, here I go.

Stefford

2008-12-12T12:39:00.000-08:00

I'm excited, for the first time, about getting married and having children. I've begun noticing other people and how they are now they have children. Granted, most of the people that are married with children are mormon, so that probably has a lot to do with it, but seriously. They post on each others facebook walls how fabulous their kids are, and how things are all sugar and gum drops. How sweet it is when they dumb the cereal out all over the floor, or when they climb all over the table. Really the things I don't like about kids (and cats). And I wonder. Will I turn into that person? Or will I still have a brain, and a desire, and passions outside of motherhood?

I understand what a huge, life changing event child birth is. It will change my love and my priorities, my view of the world. But I have things now that I love and am passionate about. I don't want to lose that and just live for my children.

I went to a party at a friends of mine (my boyfriend's friends that I've come to know a bit) house. They have been married for a bit and have a 3 year old daughter. All of their friends are married with children, too. Except for James. Until he met me, of course. The first BBQ at their house after we started dating was traumatizing. The women all looked at me like I was fresh meat and they wanted to convert me. I ended up drying the kids after their bath. Their favorite pass time is going out to dinner with all the kids (three women, 4 kids) and taking care of each others offspring. "People watching don't know whose kids are whose!!!"

Yikes.

Not for me. But still, I'm excited to meet our children (hopefully child).

A start

2008-12-11T18:21:00.000-08:00

I'm starting fresh, I have nothing to prove, but a desire to be heard. I've never been here before. I'm sober, I'm in love, I'm in school, I'm happy. I didn't think I could have any, not to mention all, of those things. I've felt the need to write, to open up both my heart and my mind, but couldn't do it somewhere people knew me and had expectations so with a new life I'm choosing a new place to write.

I'm not going to talk about rising from the ashes, but I can't promise I won't be cheesy from time to time. I'm dramatic, passionate, and abrasive but I love, I laugh, and I share.

This is my life. With the ups and the downs, with my baggage and my past, I now have my future and a hope.

And I am full.