The snow flies

"It can snow in Idaho at any moment." My mom used to say that to me when I'd come up to visit her. In Logan it would be bright, cheery, and definitely spring. But here it would be bright, cheery, then bump inches of snow in a couple hours. So, this morning, when it started to snow, I called my mom to let her know it can snow in Idaho at any moment.

But James just left. That always puts a damper on my mood. I was afraid, when he put in for the transfer, that we'd still be living this way when we got married. Now we have 35 days until the wedding and we are still living this way. Chances aren't just likely anymore. I think there's a good chance we will be living this way until I graduate and we move away. But, we do it. We've accepted it, and we just live it. We make the best out of the time we have together, we text all day when we are separated, and James still tucks me in at night. That all makes it very doable. And it's because we are willing to work on it. We are willing to put in the time needed to keep our relationship alive and thriving. I still miss him like an ache some days. But I know I'll see him in just a few more days. Sigh.

School is over now, has been for two weeks. And I am loving life. I go into work everyday. But only for a couple hours or so. Stuff is getting done, experiments designed, crystals growing, so everything's good there. And I should get a lot of research done so the semesters will be less busy. It's quiet a nice set up. This gives me time to do other stuff. I've been cooking fresh meals nearly daily, and sometimes twice daily. I've been going on long, killer hikes. And I've been enjoying my down time.

For our wedding party sort of thing Rufus suggested we go on a camping trip. We've been discussing and have thought about Edward, Heather, Joe, Rufus, James, and myself (possibly a few others) doing "the loop". I guess there is a hike near Fairfield that the boys love that they'd like all of us to do. It's 25 miles. And I'd have a 25-30 lbs pack. Yikes. Thus the killer hikes.

And now with James gone I'm trying to be motivated to do stuff around here. Dishes, cleaning, vacuuming.... But I'm lazy. I'm not going to lie.

Spring has sprung

I'm sitting in the office, watching the shadows get longer. I'm not going to lie, I'm waiting for it to be late enough to justify going to sleep. I was up later than usual last night, but got up this morning early anyway. Nevermind Chester getting all pissed off at 3:30am. Sigh. And I'm so happy this is my life. No drama, no stress.

Classes are almost done for the semester. 11 days from today. Yey! So, now I just work on what's right in front of me, get it done the best I can, and move on. Once school is over I'll start working in the lab as much as I can, and working on getting the rest of the wedding planned and put together.

As far as I can tell the wedding is coming together nicely. Invitations are out, which was a huge thing for me. And RSVPs are coming back, which is fun. One of my best friends is going to be doing the pictures, she just recently discovered her eye for photography, and I love it. It will also be so nice to have someone I know, love, and trust doing it. She knows me better than most people, so I'm sure she'll get some amazing shots.

Now if I can just talk my mom into not being a crazy person! But I think that's just par for the course, and, in all honesty, she's light years better than some people I know.

I'm pretty luck. And so excited. 2 months and 2 days!

Waiting. And sitting

I'm waiting for either Kristi to text me back or for my socks to dry, ultimately for my socks to dry.

I'm about to go for a run in the morning sunshine, but as I've been up for 3 hours now I feel like it doesn't quite count as the morning anymore, though it's only quarter to ten right now. I signed up for my second fun run, or rather, I have the registration form here on my desk, waiting for a $20 check. The two things that make me a little nervous, though my excitement is far out weighing my fear, is 1) it's a week from today, and 2) I haven't run since the last 5k in December.

That's not 100% accurate, but for all intents and purposes it's true. I've "run" twice since then. I trained one day, trying to up my pace. So I ran a lap and walked a lap for half an hour. Then yesterday I walked for 5 minutes, ran for 10 minutes, walked for 3 minutes, ran for 10 minutes, then walked for 5 minutes. It felt good. Today it's walk for 5 minutes, run for 20 minutes, walk for 5 minutes. Tomorrow will be the same 5 minute warm up/cool down with a 25 minute run in the middle. Monday will be 28 minute run. Then, Wednesday I'll be running for 30 minutes, and I'll be running on the treadmill so I'll know my pace, too. I'm hoping to be able to better my pace from the last one, do it in under 33 minutes. But really, since it's such short notice, I'll be super proud if I run the whole thing. Yey.

Things I'm hoping are in my favor this time around is that I'm about 10 lbs lighter than last time, and I've been really seriously working out. At least twice a week. So, I'm lighter and fitter than last time. Also, last time it was 9 degrees outside, this time it will be in the 30s most likely, and it was icy as all hell last time, this time? No snow to speak of. I realize that in a week things could change, but it probably can't be worse than last time... shrug. So I'm good.

And I'm excited.

And I'm waiting. Waiting for Kristi, because I'm trying to talk her into doing it with me, so I have her forms, too. And I'd like her to do with me today, since it will be a short run, and she's never run outside before. She needs to see how it feels before race day. So I think.... And I'm waiting for my socks because my running socks are still in the dryer.

Maybe I'll check those now...

Death Cab For Cutie ~ Styrofoam Plates

There's a saltwater film on the jar of your ashes; I threw them to the sea,
but a gust blew them backwards and the sting in my eyes
that you then inflicted was par for the course just as when you were living.
It's no stretch to say you were not quite a father
but the donor of seeds to a poor, single mother that would raise us alone.
We never saw the money that went down your throat
through the hole in your belly.

Thirteen years old in the suburbs of Denver,
standing in line for Thanksgiving dinner at the Catholic church.
The servers wore crosses to shield from the sufferance plaguing the others.
Styrofoam plates, cafeteria tables,
charity reeks of cheap wine and pity and I'm thinking of you,
I do every year when we count all our blessings
and wonder what we're doing here.

You're a disgrace to the concept of family.
The priest won't divulge that fact in his homily
and I'll stand up and scream if the mourning remain quiet,
you can deck out a lie in a suit.
But I won't buy it.
I won't join the procession that's speaking their piece,
using five dollar words while praising his integrity.
Just 'cause he's gone, it doesn't change that fact:
he was bastard in life, thus a bastard in death yeah.

Mine isn't dead. Mine is still alive and living that new life with his new family. After having abandoned me as a child. After my having begged, pleaded, yelled, cried, and crawled to have him in my life. He still chose to not be there. I want to say those exact words to him. If he didn't have that new family (for ~30 years now) there is no way I would take care of his ashes for him. The crematorium could have them. I hate him.

I don't, ordinarily, don't waist a lot of time on hate. But I think in this case..... I think, now, how my life would be different had he been there. It doesn't matter. We got along fine without him. What I needed from him is to NOT have to be on WELFARE because he NEVER PAID HIS CHILD SUPPORT. I hate him.

When I went through my sobriety I went through hell. He got a few panicked calls from me. I needed someone. I needed love, I needed support. I got a call from his wife, "You can't call him when you are having a bad time, it upsets him." If he didn't want to be there for the bad he sure as hell doesn't get to be there for the good.

I really do hate him. I shouldn't have had to, in the 7th grade, write to him to remind him I existed. It had been so long since I'd heard from him that I wrote. I begged him to see me, that I was here, that I needed his presence in my life. I never asked for money from him. I showed him my last name was Murphy, I was still his daughter.

That name is the only thing I got from him. And I'm ready, now, to give it back. I'm embracing my new last name for many reasons, but it's going to be nice to cut that tie.

I fear someone in his family is going to take pity on him and invite him to the wedding. I. Will. Lose. It.

I hate him. And I think I'm ready to tell him so.

I want to be ready to just let go. To move on from him, the pain he caused me, the feelings of inadequacy he left behind. I don't want to cry anymore tears for him.

I will not be going to his funeral.

Yawn

Such a weekend. I'm exhausted. I'm used to being terribly mellow. Not doing much beyond being active while the sun is up, then knitting and watching TV once the sun goes to bed. Relaxing. But this weekend found my dancing my bottom off at the Clumsy Lovers on Friday, and having the best time, then going to Twin to help James pack so he wouldn't be so stressed. All that ended up doing for me was making it so I didn't relax nearly enough. I could use at least 4 more hours of sleep today. Which means I need to go to bed early this week.

When did I get old?

And do I care?

I'm completely okay being a home body and going out very infrequently.

The one thing that may be an issue for me today is that I did NO studying, and it sounds like next week starts exams. I have to get a lot done this week and weekend. And I'll probably get SOME done. I'm a little lazy. And it's a lot sad.

Waiting for bedtime

Today was the most wonderfully dreary day as I walked to school. That's right, I'm walking. It takes me about 30 minutes, but I'm proud I'm not driving so much. So anyway, walking to school. It must have rained last night, the streets were slippery, tried to take me down, never actually succeeded. It was a lovely day to wander about. My first class is early, however, so not much wandering time at 7:30. I'm hoping this weekend can do the same thing, I'm looking for some wandering time. I had a long short day. Just one learning class, followed by two PE classes. To sum up, I walked 30 minutes(ish) to school (1.8 miles), class, gym to change, 15 minute warm up on the elliptical, 10 minutes of stretching, 40 minutes of weight lifting (legs), 20 minutes on the treadmill, 45 minutes of kickboxing, shower, then.... oh yes, the walk home. I hadn't had enough to eat, so by the time I stumbled on to my front porch I was dying just a little bit. But by then the clouds had broken, the sun was shining. I got the biggest apple and sat on my front porch with Maggie, in the sun and quiet. Perfect. And then I couldn't get up. Stupid workout. I came in, had actual food, watched some Hulu, bank, grocery shopping, and now I sit. Watching the sky slowly darken and the clouds turn pink. It was a good day. I am tired and am trying to decide how early is "too" early to go to bed. Shrug.

I hope yours was a delight.