Woo, that made me cry. Again.

Sigh.... The Biggest Loser makes me cry. Nearly every week I end up bawling like a little girl. But it's so good. Really it can be crap TV at the best of times, but it's my guilty pleasure, and I love it.

I watch online, so I'm a week behind. This week the woman that lost her husband, 5 year old daughter, and infant son in a car accident went home. I don't have much to say about her. Her story will effect everyone differently. There was one thing she said though.

Today is your second chance. It is your chance to make different decisions. A chance to change your life.

Sometimes you have to be slapped in the face, picked up and thrown out of your rut, so really see what is happening around you.

I am miserable at school right now. It is HARD. But something that has escaped my notice is I am doing better than I ever could have. And I am not giving up. And that is huge.

I took that chance 4 years ago. It has been an up hill battle, but it gets easier everyday. I have challenges, huge ones, but they are different and better than the ones I've faced in the past. I can get overwhelmed and saddened by my life. Everyone can and does, however, I wouldn't trade it in. It's better than ever, and great things are coming.

Thank you.

Sigh....

It's getting to be that time of year again. When summer break is almost over and I have no choice but to get my shit together. The thing that's making it even less fun this time is this: I'm moving. Alone. James has to stay here for work for an indeterminate amount of time. He put in for his transfer months ago, and still no word. He told me once about someone that put in for a transfer that waited a year and a half. I have real fear that I will still be living in Pokey and he will still be living here when we get married. I told him today that I'm getting sad about the move, he said anything could happen, that at any moment they could tell him it's come through. While I believe that, it's not making me any happier.

We've lived together for 14 months now. I've gotten used to having him around. Coming home at night and kissing me, waking me up in the morning with kisses. Wandering in from working outside to see what I'm up to. Spending idle mornings, doing nothing, together. I'm going to miss him painfully.

I haven't started packing yet. It doesn't really feel real yet, like plans could change at any moment. I know the move is set, so I might as well start getting together what I need to be comfortable and survive. Really, it's time.

I'm going to California on Thursday to visit Sunny and do some wedding dress shopping. It should be a good time, and I'm hoping to not get sick this time. We'll see.

It's been such a long time since I've updated that I've been pushing it off longer and longer because so much has happened and I was feeling overwhelmed. It's been a long spring/summer.

Last semester ended on an up note. I got an A in Chemistry and a B in Cell Biology. It was a rough semester and I worked my bottom off for those grades, so, in the end, it was worth it. Now I am in summer school. Chemistry 112, it meets 4 days a week from 12-5. Yikes! It's been two weeks and we had our first exam, a 3 hour exam. Holy. I mean, I'm just exhausted today. Not to mention I'm battling a cold for th

e last 2 and a half weeks. It's not as much fun for

me as one might think.

So, I started with school because that was the first thing that happened. Around our one year anniversary James told me we couldn't spend a lot of money on that trip because he was planning a secret, big trip. About a week before we left he told me where it would be.

Ireland!

Oh. It was amazing! Perfect. Everything I'd always hoped it would be. Except, evidenced by this photo, there was no clouds! No rain. Nothing. I got a sunburn, and a cold. Sigh. But it was just amazing. I don't know if I've ever been as happy or content as I was, sitting on the rock beach at Fanore, watching the tide come in. It was wonderful.

Dublin was the same as any big city. Busy and hot. It was fun to see it all, but I was ready to be in the country when we left Dublin. The drive across the country was crazy and exhilarating. Our time in Fanore though. James got sick and spent the better part of two days in bed while I walked around the little village and sat at the ocean. I've never been able to sit that long in one spot before. It was something about the ocean. It's mesmerizing. Always something to look at and pay attention to. We left a day early, which ended up with us in Fanore for an extra day, but missed out on Cork. It's okay. James wants to try to make it a yearly trip. While I have my doubts it will be yearly, I'm excited there is another trip to come. I thought it would be a once in a life time trip, but maybe it will be more.

The day we drove across the country was the day James got sick. The poor guy. So we got to town, checked in to the B&B, James took a quick nap while I sat outside, listening to music and petting the house dog. It was so nice. James got up around 8 and we wandered down to the pub for dinner. Which was AMAZING! Fresh muscles and open crab sandwiches. (Two separate dishes.) We then went to the water to watch the sunset. We wandered on the cliffs (not big ones, just enough that it was rugged and beautiful), finding rocks and seashells. We hugged and kissed, held hands, talked and walked. It was perfect. Then we went back to the room and laid in bed talking for a couple hours. As I started to fall asleep James tricked me out of bed to get something from my bag. When I turned around he was standing there with the ring and asked if I would be his wife. It couldn't have been more perfect.

So that is essentially it. Now it's down to life. Buying houses and properties, planning a wedding, moving, school, work..... sigh. It's good, though. It's nothing less than exactly what I wanted. I'm happy.

Memorial day is early.

Sigh.  It's been a long spring, and aside from some exciting, happy moments, it's going to be a long summer.  James was saying that he can't wait for it to be over, and he's never wanted summer to be over before.  I completely agree.  We have a lot going on.

I have summer school that starts in two week.  It's a 7 week Chemistry 112 class.  It's going to be 5 hours of class 4 days a week.  A chapter every couple days.  It's going to be ROUGH.  I have to do well because it's the foundation I need to build my future upon.  I'm having my doubts, but it's something that has to happen.

James put in for his transfer a bit ago, so we are just waiting to hear back when he'll move.  It could be anytime from two weeks from now to more than a year from now.  I hate not knowing.  But since we know we are moving in August regardless of when the transfer comes we've started looking for a house in Pocatello.  It's fun, but frustrating.  And we can see the money wandering out of our hands.  Also, we can't put in an offer until the middle of next month.

James bought a duplex in Pocatello for an investment.  He's excited about it, but he's also worried, trying to get all the stuff together, stressed about the closing.

Since we are moving to Pocatello we need to get this place ready to rent out, so we have a whole laundry list of things to get done.  Mainly replacing blinds, cleaning the existing blinds, flooring, painting, kitchen cupboards, paint doors, new shutters.... etc.  But we don't have a lot of time to accomplish this.  Sigh.

That was nicely book ended.  The good things are, obviously, buying OUR first house!  And... We are going to Ireland on thursday!

I've wanted to go to Ireland so badly and for so long that I can't believe it's happening for me.  It's truly a dream come true.  I can't believe I'm so lucky.  James has been planning this for a while now, he was going to keep it a secret until a few days before the trip, still not tell me where, just tell me to pack.....  But he decided to tell me, though, because he knows that I've wanted to go for so long that he wanted my input of where to go.  

So we leave here Thursday at 5:45 am, arrive in Dublin around 8:00 am on Friday the 28th (Oh, Thursday is my birthday, we will spend all day traveling, but to a happy place.).  We will stay in Dublin until the 31st, then off to the Galway coast, Connemara, The Cliffs of Moher, and our bed and breakfast on the ocean (a working farm even), then on the 2nd we head to Cork, Cobh, and our OLD hotel with a freaken waterfall in the courtyard.  Oh my.  Then on the 4th we head back to Dublin to stay once more night, then home on the 5th.  Perfect.  And I can't wait.  And I'm all packed.

I realize being packed is crazy, really I just wanted to make sure I could fit everything and not forget something important, so it can sit there for the next two days and if I think of anything I over looked I can add it.  It's a good plan. Yeah, now that I can stare at my packed suitcase....  I'm so freaken excited!!!

And.  James said he would propose before June.  He hasn't yet, and we will be in Ireland on June first.....  Um, could it be true?  Could he really propose in Ireland?!?

Random Thursday

I'm in the middle of my spring break.  Home from California (pictures and a summary my follow....  we'll see) and hanging out on the couch.  James and I got a good hike in today.  It was short but sweet and my arms and face got some much needed vit D.

......?

I'm feeling  a bit blue today.  I don't feel as sad as I've fought with in the past, but it still bothers me when I do.  

I've stopped planning the wedding and stuff, it just doesn't feel right and I was driving myself crazy getting excited and worked up over it.  Guessing when he'd ask.  So I've back burnered it.  James said he's going to ask me soon, but every holiday that passes I get nearly anxious over it.  So instead of turning in circles I'm just relaxing.  

This is not why I'm blue today, I'm blue today because I ate too many hotdogs and cupcakes and I have a stomach ache.  I'm blue today because I didn't do any cleaning or studying.  I'm blue today because I didn't get enough sleep last night so I'm cranky.

But things are good.  School is going well, except for the perpetual feeling of being behind.  The bathroom is almost done (I know, I know, I say that all the time, but this time it's true.  The sink is going in tonight, I hope.  All the wainscotting is up, now just trim, baseboard, painting that and hanging up the mirror, shower rake, etc.)  And the weather's been nice.  It's not spring yet, so I'm expecting winter, part deux, but it can't last for much longer.

Life's good.  I'm just bored.

Some burning questions.

I think smoking is disgusting.  It stinks, it dries your skin, it's expensive.  So why do people do it?  That's the first of my questions.  I used to hang out in bars a lot, though I never smoked.  I always had to shower and wash my clothes.  While I realize being in a bar and smoking outside a bar are two different things, but still.  I am a tutor and have helped some people that just stink.  Even the really clean ones, you know, they shower, do laundry, suck on breath mints, but that smell just comes out.  Normally it smells like the back of their throat.  Yuck.

Another thing I can't understand is smoking in the house.  Then, after a time, it's like you are living in the bar.  I've been to chain-smokers-in-the-house's house before.  You can see the nicotine stains high on the walls and across the ceiling.  It's gross.  And EVERYTHING stinks, no matter how clean your house is.

Cigarettes can make me a little sick these days, too.  It dries out my nose, I am more prone to asthma attacks, etc.  This is where my anger comes in.

My downstairs neighbor keeps smoking in the house.  She quit for a week, and was gone for a week, then today she came home.  I got home from school and that's all I could smell.  It just sends me into a rage.  James owns the house, therefore is her landlord.  He's talked to her twice and I've talked to her once.  How she thinks she's getting away with this is beyond me.  She should have been evicted the first time she did it.  And I'm not letting James give her her deposit back, she broke her lease the first time she smoked.  We let her know we were getting new furniture (In the thought she'd realize if she ruined it she's buying us new stuff) and I'm asthmatic.  She's still doing it.  I get so angry I could just spit.  She's lucky I haven't gone down there and completely yell at her.  But oh, it's coming.

James is going to talk to a lawyer friend of his (who also rents apartments) to figure out what is the best course of action.  I have to leave here in 15 minutes, but before I do that I'm going downstairs to sniff around the door that adjoins our part of the basement to her apartment.  If I smell smoke I'm going down there.  And I'm yelling.

Most of what makes me so angry is that she's breaking the lease, but the brunt of it is that she a)thinks so little of us, and b)thinks we are so stupid that we wouldn't notice.  I'm done being walked on by this woman.  There is a line where being an asset because you pay your rent on time and being a burden because you are impossible to live above meet.  Well, she's crossed it.

Memories

My life in Pocatello and at ISU seems so distant to me now.  I know I'll be back there, and soon, but I can't picture it anymore.  I'm not that girl anymore, so when I try to put myself back in my own shoes, it doesn't happen.  I still don't want to go back, neither to Pokey nor to ISU, but it's the lesser of evils and in then end, I'm not going back to that life.

I was just so miserable there, it took time and space to see it.  But now I do and I want to avoid it.

But it's life now.  And it's good.  And I have 5 months, so get over it.

Happy New Year, and all the trimmings.

New Years Eve was pleasant, albeit uneventful.  I'm sorry, I couldn't think of a better word than uneventful.  I felt like going somewhere and doing something, but we stayed home, and it was nice.  We got into bed at about 11:45 and watched the ball drop, told each other happy new year, kissed, and held hands as we watched something else for a bit.  It was really nice to start the new year with love and a full heart.  It was good.

We haven't done a whole lot since, well, that's a bit of a lie.  We went to Fairfield to see the rest of the family missed at Christmas because of health and weather.  Herb took us on a drive to Solder mountain so I could see it, it's really pretty.  The guy is strange.  I can never tell if he likes me, but when he was taking Jim to their land to view the house plan he invited me then James, then when he was going to pick up Kate and Alex at the mountain he asked if I wanted to go for a ride.  We talked about Scifi movies and books.  I need to brush up. 

We got to hang out with Jim, he gave us gift certificates for christmas and he signed my card "Dad", it warmed my wee little heart.  I love him.  The only problem was we got to the cabin after dark, so it was freezing out (literally 3 degrees) and he had a fire going.  I sat next to the fire and my brain shut off.  Kate and Herb came with the boys shortly after and both boys sat with me in the recliner, so it was warm and snuggly.  It was tough, I tell you.

Now today I'm cleaning and rearranging the house.  It's fun because I feel homey....  I enjoy the feeling of belonging.

I've been feeling the stress of planning a wedding and am trying to separate trying to placate people from what we want.  In the end it's our day, so I need to be kind, hear what other people are saying, think about how I would feel about it, talk about it with James, then make a decision.  Not just go with something because everyone else thinks it's better....  Sigh.  There are a lot of imposing personalities present.  Too bad James and I are so low key.  But I think in the end we can rise above....

Anyway, that's that for a moment.  I think I had another direction to go with this today but am distracted by sun and TV so I'm going to wander off.....